Strategies: Three, Four, and Five

Strategy Three: Acknowledge and Integrate Emotions to Solve Problems

Personally, I enjoyed reading the section about Managing Intense Emotions. I am the type of person that carries my emotions on my shoulders and sometimes my emotions get the best of me. Emotions can be portrayed as positive or negative and I truly believe this to be so. In strategy three, the book states that “Simply expressing emotions without altering the way they are expressed just reinforces and strengthens them.” Being the cheerleading coach, I was told that I needed to be careful with how I relayed messages to the team about their performance and skill levels. But after reading this section, I feel strongly that I should not hold anything back from my emotions and that I should openly and honestly express them when an issue arises. If I could truly express my emotions to the team, then they may understand the underlying issue and how passionate I am about the success of the team. Outside of my position with the cheerleading team I feel like I can put this strategy into action with my own life and my own personal feelings. “Letting go and turning toward your intense emotions, as opposed to tightening up and running away from them, is the first step in learning to control them.” I completely agree with this statement. I can picture myself in certain situations where I have run away from conflict because I thought it would be easier if I just left it alone. Now, I have learned that this may not be the best approach to resolving conflict because in all reality, the conflict is being resolved temporarily until something else triggers the left over emotions from the situation. Once I learn how to control my emotions in certain situations, I can better approach the conflict and my emotions will be expressed as they should.

Strategy Four: Search Beneath the Surface for Hidden Meaning

On page 119, the books states that "Yet the center and core of our conflicts, what they really mean to us, are far more profound and important than the relatively superficial issues we are passionately arguing and debating over."

As I was reading these words they really clicked with my thinking. Usually when people are in conflict or something happens that they dont agree with, they are quick to respond and assume. Personally, I act fast and I speak before thinking sometimes. This could hinder my ability to resolve conflict effectively. The book says it straightforward that we are too focused on something that does not necessarily reflect the big idea that is hidden underneath the surface. We have to look below the surface to find the underlying issue that is responsible for the conflict. Doing so, we can figure out what essentially cause the conflict to occur, and we can better figure out how to deal with the situation and resolve the conflict. If we do not sure below the surface, we could cause more pain to the situation than is needed, and the conflict will keep reoccuirng.

Strategy 5: Separate What Matters from What Gets in the Way

I really enjoyed reading about separating elements in conflict to encourage resolution. Often times when we are in conflict, we are too focused on what is happening instead of thinking rationally about the situation at hand and how to best come to a positive conclusion. The book states that "simply creating distinctions or separations between any of the elements in your conflict can produce a significant shift in your ability to approach them constructively." I never really thought about resolving conflict in these terms. Each situation is different from the next and should be handled accordingly. Some of the separations I liked reading about were separating positions from interests, people from problems, and emotion from negotiation. In these three separations I was able to relate closely to them to better understand the strategies. When separating positions from interests you make it possible to satisfy people based on their needs, wants, desires, and feelings. When separating people from problems you are able to focus on the issues that are at hand instead of the conflict with the person in which you are dealing with. When you separate emotions from negotiations you are able to identify the emotional obstacles in your conflict, express them consturctively, and negotiate nonemotionally.

Strategy 6

I really enjoyed the section on "why people engage in difficult behaviors."  This is something that you see when you are working in the class room.  I think that I usually try to ask the student, in a round about way, why the student is behaving in the manner that they are.  In some situations I have pulled the kids out of the class and talked to them on a one on one basis.  It seems to work, when they feel like they are cared about and that I am truly interested in their well being then they respond and the difficult behavior seems to stop.

Getting to Yes 6-8

The section on "bottom lines" I found to be quite interesting. Discussing the pros and cons to setting a bottom line was eye-opening. Pros are making sure that you receive what you want from an agreement or a contract and it makes it easier to resist pressure or temptations of the moment. Some cons of setting a bottom line is it makes you closed minded towards changes (that may actually benefit you in the short or long runs) and imagination. Also, according to the book, bottom lines are usually set too high and remain too rigid. Bottom lines may protect you from making a bad or rash decision, but it will also limit inventive and creative solutions to the agreement. The "best of both worlds" solution to only having a bottom line, is to have a BATNA (Best Alternative To a Negotiated Agreement) connected to it. This knowledge was nice to have in writing because I had normally done this, but seeing it in writing makes it easier to describe and teach to others.

Strategy 8

On page 284, the book states, "Moreover, sometimes what seems to be a success turns out to be a failure, and vice versa. For example, you may succeed in coercing your opponent to accept your proposal and undermine your long-term relationship, or you may settle a superficial issue and provoke a deeper conflict a deeper conflict that is much worse. Or you may fail to resolve a conflict and later discover a better solution, rebuild trust, or learn an important lesson as a result."

Keeping this in mind could prove to be crucial. Success and failure are not only subjective, but also subject to change. Just because something is initially viewed by you as a success, does not mean that it will stay that way. Short term success does not always equate to long term success. Conflict resolution is not about cutting corners, it's about hard work and making the tough decisions. The chapter goes on to talk about options to pursue if one-on-one conflict resolution reaches an impasse. This is important to view not as a failure, but just an impasse in the process and to understand that this is not abnormal and there are other options, such as mediation, that can assist in resolving the issue.

Strategy 7

On page 239 the book states, "To end your conflict, you will need to shift gears and start calculating logically and practically. You will need to decide what you actually need and can realistically get and move from focusing on the problem to focusing on the solution."

This is key when committing to solving a problem. Looking out for what's best for you, but also what is realistic is vital. Continuing to take and not focusing on finding a solution will only lead to more problems. This goes for both sides in the conflict, not just the plaintiff or the defendant. In order to reach this portion of conflict resolution, both sides also need to have full understanding the conflict and be finished processing it emotionally. Notice that it allows those involved to have emotions and process the conflict emotionally, but in order for the resolution to take place, the emotions need to finish processing.

Strategy 6

On page 201 it states, "It is precisely 'the person is the problem' as a way of thinking that is responsible for producing malicious, revengeful, inhuman, murderous, and genocidal solutions to our conflicts, all of which are rationalized by labeling the problem as personal, inborn, and unchangeable."

A bit earlier, the book states that it is this viewpoint that shifts "our attention away from what the other person did to who they are." This is the root of a lot of conflict in the workplace. Someone makes a tough decision and someone else gets hurt from it. They then begin to blame the person, not the decision and this can lead to a giant intracompany conflict.  I will use this knowledge as a reminder to myself to not only look at things in context, but also to separate the issue from the person.

Putting Video into your Blog

The best way to get a video into your blog is to first save it to You Tube. Here are the instructions for what to do after you have made your video and saved it to your hard drive:
You Tube - Sign up for a You Tube account. On your You Tube page, click Upload. Browse for your video and click to upload it. It may take a few minutes. When it has uploaded you can decide the level of privacy you want. If you only want to share it to your blog or our class blog, click “Private.” At the bottom of that page will be the "sharing options" that you need for putting the video into a blog. You will need either the URL or the "code."

3 Ways to Add Video to Blog -
 

1.       URL – copy the URL. Open your blog and click “Add a Gadget” wherever you want it to be on the blog.  Open the Link List gadget, name your video, insert the URL, and click Save. (This way works well. You can also add your video to the Weblinks on WebCT the same way.)

2.       To embed your vide into the blog, first copy the code below the URL for the video you have created on You Tube.  On your blog, click “Add a Gadget,” select HTML/JavaScript, give your video a title, then paste the code into the Content box. Save. (This way doesn't seem to work as well).

3.        You can put your video into a post on your blog or blogs in which you are an author. Click New Post. When the box opens, click on the icon that says “insert a video.”  Paste the URL of your video into the Browse box and click Publish. (This way also works well.)

Strategies 6-8

Strategy 6
• Techniques for working with difficult behaviors. 1. Take responsibility for your own attitudes and behaviors, including those that trigger difficult behaviors of others. 2. Listen to what they are saying and observe what they are doing empathetically, in an effort to understand what may be taking place beneath the surface of their behavior. 3. Communicate honestly to them that what they are doing is difficult for you to handle and suggest and alternative. By taking these steps I will improve my character, skills, communications, and relationships.
Strategy 7
• The five steps in creative problem solving are to first admit you have a problem and decide to solve it. Next, collaboratively define and clarify the problem. Afterwards, jointly analyze, categorize, and prioritize the problem. Then, invent solutions that satisfy everyone’s interests. Finally, jointly act, evaluate results, acknowledge efforts, and celebrate successes.
Strategy 8
• Winston Churchill, in the midst of war, famously defined success as “proceeding from failure to failure with undiminished enthusiasm.”

Getting to Yes 1-8

Chapter 1
• Arguing over positions produces unwise agreements. The more you clarify your position and defend it against attack, the more committed you become to it. The more you try to convince the other side of the impossibility of changing your opening position, the more difficult it becomes to do so. When arguing from now own I will not try to defend my position and clarify it as much. This way if I need to change my position I can easily do so.
Chapter 2
• A basic fact about negotiation, easy to forget in corporate and international transactions, is that you are dealing not with abstract representatives of the “other side,” but with human beings. They have emotions, deeply held values and different backgrounds and viewpoints; and they are unpredictable. So are you. This is something that I especially need to remember because I forget all the time that other people also have feelings. I am not the only one that has feelings in the whole entire world like I would like to think sometimes. From now own when arguing or negotiating, I will remember the other person’s feelings and try to take them into consideration before I speak.
Chapter 3
• The purpose of negotiating is to serve your interests, therefore, make your interests come alive. Acknowledge their interests as part of the problem. Be concrete, but be flexible at the same time. Try to be hard on the problem, but soft on the people. If all of these things are done then your interests will get served as well as their interests.
Chapter 4
• The Circle Chart. Step I-What’s wrong? What are current symptoms? What are disliked facts contrasted with a preferred situation? Step II- Diagnose the problem: sort symptoms into categories. Suggest causes. Observe what is lacking. Note barriers to resolving the problem. Step III- What are possible strategies or prescriptions? What are some theoretical cures? Generate broad ideas about what might be done. Step IV- What might be done? What specific steps might be taken to deal with the problem? This chart is an easy way to get good ideas to solve problems.
Chapter 5
• To discuss the objective criteria with the other said there are three points to remember:
1. Frame each issue as a joint search for objective criteria.
2. Reason and be open to reason as to which standards are most appropriate and how they should be applied.
3. Never yield to pressure, only to principle.
I need to focus on the objective criteria, but be flexible when doing so.
Chapter 6
• If you have not thought carefully about what you will do if you fail to reach an agreement, you are negotiating with your eyes closed. We do not want to do anything with our eyes closed; therefore, it is important to think about what you would do if you do not reach an agreement in the negotiation.
Chapter 7
• Refuse to react so that the vicious cycle of attack. Instead of reacting sidestep their attack and deflect it against the problem. This is like the UFC of negotiation. On UFC they use a lot of jujitsu!
Chapter 8
• There are three steps in negotiating the rules of the negotiating game where the other side seems to be using a tricky tactic: recognize the tactic, raise the issue explicitly, and question the tactic’s legitimacy and desirability. Negotiate over it.

Strategy Three

Strategy Three

I have to agree with this section, and how it states “most people experience their most intense emotions during conflict and perceive the intense emotions of their opponents as exclusively negative.”  One thing that I do teach in my class is something called I POSSES and this is where they learn about emotional intelligence.  The way it is taught in here is:

I – Interpersonal Skills

P- Persistence

O – Optimism

S – Self – Awareness

S- Self – Control

E – Empathy

S – Social Skills

S – Self – Motivation

I do realize that these are a little bit different then what is talked about in the book, however it is the same concept, but put in a form that junior high kids can remember.

Strategy One and Two

Strategy One

The change the culture and context of conflict chapter caused me to really think of leading situations that I observe.  I feel that if I am the leader of the building I would want to implement the items that are listed on page 6.  I would want a building where the level of conflict would be reduced by creating a level of open communication and trust.  I think that if at the beginning of the year if I have my staff to agree upon our vision, mission, goals and values, then the likelihood of conflict to escalate would be less.  As the leader of the build I would model acceptable behavior, such as engaging in dialogue and collaborate and get to a common ground.

Strategy Two

In the chapter, listen actively, empathetically, and responsively the author mentions to conduct a conflict audit.  I would never have considered conducting an audit over conflict, but when you stop and consider how much time is actually lost when there is conflict in a building, time being constructive work time, it would be worth it.  The audit in a sense could cut down on the amount of gossip and grapevine activity that is taking place within the building.

Clearing the decks for listening is something that I know that I need to work on in my classroom and in my life.  I know at times when the kids are working on a project and I am working on something at my desk, and I have a kid that would like to come up to my desk and tell me a story I need to do just what the this section talks about.  If I can just learn to clear my decks for listening and take that few minutes to listen to the story that they have to tell, then this will help me build better relationships with my student.  Sometimes all they need is just that little bit of attention to make them feel that they are valued, and that is something that I need to remember.

Strategies: One and Two

Strategy One: Change the Culture and Context of Conflict

The idea of responding to conflict with collaboration really interested me. In the book it stated that responding with collaboration produces the best and most satisfying results. Usually when conflict arises, people tend to portray behaviors of avoidance, accomodation, aggression, compromise, and collaboration. Out of the five behaviors, personally I can relate to all of them. I like how the book describes collaborting in conflict. " It is far more difficult to collaborate during conflict because it takes strength to become vulnerable...it is the most effective way of ending your conflict completely and starting on a path to transformation."
I related this idea of collaboration to my role as the coach of my cheerleading team. Conflict arises almost weekly with the cheerleaders. Being the leader of the team, I need to be versatile and respectful of the wishes and concerns of the team. When conflict does occur, if I could present to the team how to work together collaboratively to find the most satisfying resolution, then conflicts would be easier to work with. Relaying the message that conflict can be a positive experience may shock some of the cheerleaders on the team that have a negative outlook. If I can positively focus on fully resolving an issue at hand instead of making an accomodation for a temporary solution, then I think the team will learn how to collaborate during conflict resolutions.

Strategy Two: Listen Actively, Empathetically, and Responsively

"Committed listening is a reflection of the openness of our hearts and minds, our willingness to act on what we hear, and our integrity in the face of answers we do not like."

One thing I am a victim of is not listening to what is important to the speaker. I often catch myself listening for only what I want to hear and thinking about what I will be commenting on. In my opinion, I think that I am being very disrespectful when I do this, so I try to focus on what the speaker is saying, and by that time the speaker is looking to me for a response. I get side tracked very easily and therefore I miss the most important message the speaker is trying to get across. Knowing this about myself, the committed listener section in strategy two engaged me. "Effective leadership is always a result of committed listening." This is important to me because I am currently in a leadership role. I need to learn how to listen effectively to the speaker in front of me. I need to listen to not only what is being said, but also to the underlying intention of the message presented.

Getting to Yes - pp. 1-94

Post an idea or thought about what you are learning in Getting to Yes in the comments for this post.

Strategy 5 - Separate What Matters from What Gets in the Way

If you have not already posted a thought about strategy 5, you can add to the comments on this post.

Strategy 4 - Search Beneath the Surface for Hidden Meaning

If you have not already posted your thoughts on Strategy 4 (either on this blog or your own), you can add them here as comments.

Strategy 3 - Integrate Emotions to Solve Problems

If you have not already posted your thoughts about Strategy 3 (either on this blog or your own), you can add them to this post as a comment.

Strategy 2 - Active Listening

If you have not already posted your a thought regarding Strategy 2 - Listen Actively, Empatheticall, and Responsively, you can add it to this post as a comment.

Strategy 5

I recently viewed a talk that Jamie Hyneman (Mythbusters) gave about problem solving. He spoke extensively of defining the problem. When the book speaks of separating criteria from selection, it is almost as if this is what they are refering to. If we can agree on what we want to accomplish, we have defined the problem. If we agree on what we are trying to resolve, we have defined the problem. Just like solving an engineering or physics problem, we must define what we are looking for, that way, we will know we have found a solution when we find a solution.

Strategy Four

I really like the Iceberg of Conflict.  It can help me when I am arguing with my husband because I have the questions to focus on instead of pondering on the argument.  I can also see how management of any employee could use it.  It would definitely bring the morale up and keep conflict at a minimum.  I think this entire book would make a great seminar! 

Strategy 4

On page 120, the book states "For example, few of us take the time before responding to accusations or criticisms to understand the emotions and experiences that must have fueled them or to search beneath their surface for what our opponent must have actually meant."

Many of use, myself included, can be prone to those kind of reactions. When faced with an accusation or a criticism our first reaction is to jump on the defensive when in reality our initial reaction should be to search for the real reason for the accusation or why it is being brought to our attention. The majority of the time, by reacting in this correct manner, it will save a lot of time and energy wasted on unnecessary conflict and promote more effective work and personal conduct.

Strategy 5

On page 156 the book states, "Rather than claim our experience to be The Truth, we need to understand that our experience, while certainly true for us, is not necessarily true for anyone else, especially for our opponents." It then goes on to state, "In this way, nonmathematical truths are rarely absolute and invariant, but relative and able to change with small shifts or relations in the personal frame of reference of the observer and their relationship to what they are observing."

This spoke to me because nearly everytime conflict arises, both sides view themselves as being "the truth," and if, during conflict, we adopted the above viewpoint, it would lead to much more civilized handling of the matter. I know that I personally have fallen victim to the mentality that "I am right, therefore, you are wrong" and most of the time both people are right due to their own personal experiences. I am hoping that armed with the above quotes and the knowledge provided from the book that I can cease to use that mentality and approach conflict from a  more open-minded frame of reference.

Strategy 2

It is almost as if the book is a mirror when it comes to communication. I find myself noticing my own faults as a communicator when reading the book. Active listening seems to reflect my own issues in listening. I find myself waiting to speak rather than truly listening as I should. As troubling as it is to see my own flaws, it is helpful in that I notice when I'm "waiting to speak." Thus, I correct my flaw and focus more on listening. It amazing what you hear when you truly listen!

Strategy Three

On p. 79, it reads, "We all pay a heavy emotional price for unresolved conflict."  That statement is so true.  From working as a medical transcriptionist in the past, I've read about many patients will illnesses that stemmed from stress. 

On a personal note, when I worry about unresolved conflict, my hair falls out in patches.  So, I am learning to relax and turn toward.  I used to ignore people that made me angry or hurt my feelings but now I deal with it by talking it out.  I can feel the difference from getting it out in the opening. 

Strategy Two

I love the section on Ways of Listening.  I didn't know there were so many, but they all make sense.  When I take a few minutes out of my busy schedule to hear the gibberish of my kindergarteners, they light up like a light bulb, which is being a committed listener. 

Strategy One

On p. 8, it reads, "No matter what insult a person chooses, there is a positive way of saying the same thing."  When I hear that statement, it speaks a level of maturity to me.  I am able to transfer a lot of negativity to positive thoughts or words, but not everything.  So I really need to digest this chapter. 

Strategy 5

The author says, when we vent destructively or dump our emotions onto others, we escalate our conflicts and become unable to identify or stick to our real priorities.  We fail to see the forest for the trees and have difficulty remembering what is truly important.  We tend to behave destructively, rapidly reach impasse, and assume it is impossible to solve our problems.

I have seen this reaction in myself and others.  When I calmly think about the situation and process it internally I always make a better decision.  When I vent to others they seem to add their issues to the problem and it escalates. 

Strategy 4

The author says, We rarely take time to search out or excavate these deeper truths in our conflicts, mostly because our attention is concentrated on the mistakes and misdeeds of our opponents or on our own victimization and emotional upheaval.  Yet the center and core of our conflicts, what they really mean to us, are far more profound and important than the relatively superficial issues we are passionately arguing and debating over.  In conflict resolution, the deeper we look, the more there is we can discover.

This statement above is profound it should make leaders think about how they treat others.  Great teachers should experience searching deeper into the lives of students daily.    We know that many of the problems that arise at school really stem from what has happened at the student home.  Since I am a teacher in an area with predominantly African American and Hispanic students I am always searching for the real cause of the misbehavior.  So when I reach a leadership position I will continue with the strategies listed in this chapter.

Strategy 3

·         Recognize that the expressing intense emotions can be constructive or destructive, pleasurable or painful, positive or negative. 

When I read this chapter I thought about the emotions many teachers have when speaking with the principal.  How they feel when discussing their PDAS, students with behavior problems, and asking for time off.  Being able to recognize their emotions and defuse the negative emotions will help me to become a great principal.   

Strategy 2

·         Effective Communication for Listeners: Let go of your own ideas, roles, and agendas and try to understand what the other person is saying; Search behind the words for the other person’s meaning, especially if he or she disagrees with you; Respond respectfully and nondefensively, acknowledging and addressing the other person’s concerns first.

I must work on this strategy because my dad drilled; scan your surroundings at all time.  Therefore, I have a hard time looking at the person I'm talking to the entire time.  I am always scanning my surrounding so no one will catch me off my guard. 

Strategy 1

Cultures of conflict are shaped in and by our experiences.  Experience shape our capacity to ask questions, alter how we see our opponents and ourselves, what is acceptable and not.

When I read this statement my mind jumped to the past.  My mind played a conversation that my ex-best friend and I had over and over again.   I came to the conclusion that the statement listed above is true.  October the 5th was her birthday but I couldn't bring myself to call her because of the past conversation that ended our friendship.  Therefore, that conversation shaped my opinion that our friendship would be over forever. 

Strategy 4

It states in the book that each deeper layer of the iceberg of conflict represents something that does not appear on its surface, yet adds weight immobility, and hidden meaning to our arguments when we are in conflict.The author then goes on to say that when we go deep enough and do not become stuck on the surface, we can experience genuine empathy and awareness of our interconnection with the other person, even the one who is upsetting us. I understand this because when I am in a conflict with someone, if I have said something hurtful, I start to think well, "what if that person had said that to me? how would I feel?" I really do think that we can all connect with each and every person on some level even the ones we are having a conflict with. If we look past the conflict and dig deeper we will all realize that we are all human beings with real feelings, and we do have common feelings. We are all connected.

Strategy 3

I thought it was interesting to learn that stress really does help play a part in people contracting diseases. I am glad to have learned the by relaxing and letting go of our fear of expressing emotions, we increase our opportunities for learning,problem solving,resolution, transformation, and healing.

Strategy 2

As I was reading strategy 2 and I came to the phrases for miscommunication, I thought to myself, "Wow, I say over half of these things to my husband on a daily basis." I then started thinking that it is very important to not talk to people in these ways because often times, people may think that you are prying or ordering them around. My favorite miscommunication phrase that I am famous for using is the interfering one. I have made myself a promise to stop using these phrases and to try to find other ways of putting my ideas in a more understanding, helping manner.

Strategy 1 Change the Culture and Context of Conflict

I'm fascinated with the idea of looking at conflict as opportunity. If we do look at conflict as opportunity, it definitely will have the effect of solving problems for good and help us develop better relationships with our coworkers. I think that often we do use the metaphors and language of war to describe our conflicts. It has never occurred to me that changing this language would turn conflict into productive discussion.